"Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can."

May 2, 2015

Dear Jane,

I write to you today with quite a mixture of feelings. I fear you already know my first feeling...guilt. I allowed the entire month of April to go rushing by without penning a single letter to you! I am astonished that you would even consider reading another one of my letters, but nevertheless, I shall write it. 

My next feeling is one of utter delight. Her Royal Highness, Catherine, Duchess of Cambride gave birth to a baby girl this morning! Admirers of the Royal Family have been awaiting this day for quite some time, but we now have a Princess of Cambridge to show for it (although we do not know her name yet). 

Their Royal Highnesses and their new daughter!
Photo courtesy of dailymail.co.uk

Although this splendid news has greatly improved my spirits, I regret to say that I find myself quite unwell at this time, Jane. Unfortunately, I contracted a rather nasty chest cold while I was travelling this week with, "Miss Nelson is Missing." This is the second time during this touring experience that I have been run down with a horrid illness! I am truly in the worst temper because of it and to make matters far worse, I now have to miss a dear friend's birthday celebration this evening because of this blasted cold. I am just glad that I haven't contracted gout yet...but one can never be sure that one won't contract gout when one is travelling the country to and fro in a large, red van in all different climates. (I am quite aware of the fact that I may sound rather bitter, Jane. My apologies.)

On a more cheerful subject, since last I wrote to you I have found a note that I made not too long ago on my iPhone (the complicated, modern device that I have spoken of at times) that I believe I wished you to read. I shall copy it here so that you may peruse it at your leisure. It is quite poignant, if I do say so myself.

"As your father was the rector of the Church in Steventon, I am sure he gave sermons on the subject of temptation. In truth, I must confess that, while you had your own set of temptations in that time, you simply cannot know what it is to have a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts and cinnamon buns directly in front of you (and to be the keeper of the box as it is my job to keep it upright while in the van) and not eat them. It is like no other temptation in this world if one has a sweet tooth like mine. Truly, it is torture. I will prevail, however. I will not eat one and I will not "accidentally" rid the van of the box so as not to tempt myself. My fellow cast mates shall not suffer on my behalf. This will be a true test of self will and discipline."

I distinctly remember that journey as being rather more difficult than others.

Another note that I made on my iPhone was a silly conversation that I had with my dear sister, Rachael. It was as follows:

Me: "We can be old maids together just like Jane & Cassandra." 

Rach: "I would do that." 

Me: "But it has to be in England."

Rach: "Oh, definitely." 

Me: How will they let us in?" 

Rach: "Oh my business will bring me there."

Me: "What about me?!" 

Rach: "You can be my dependent." 

My charming sister, truly always thinks of others. Not many would agree to take me on as a dependent, I daresay.

Before I conclude my letter, I do have a rather ridiculous and amusing story of follies and nonsense for you from my time on the open road.

The date was the nineteenth of March in the Year of our Lord, two-thousand and fifteen...
I was performing the role of Miss Nelson quite admirably (if I do say so myself) when suddenly, the unspeakable happened. It was nearing the end of the show, when I had just re-entered as Miss Nelson after dressing up as the evil, Miss Viola Swamp. At this point, I finished reading the story of Pinocchio to my "students" and began to sing my big number where I reveal to the audience that it was actually Miss Nelson who only dressed up as Viola Swamp to teach her students an important lesson. Unfortunately, at this point in the show, a certain cast member (who shall remain nameless...AHEM *Tanner*) brings in a mannequin wearing the Viola Swamp dress and necklace under a sheet so that I can do the big reveal half way through the song. Little did I know, this cast member (*Tanner*) had been suffering from a severe case of 'passing wind'...I think you know where I am going with this, Jane. (Pray, please forgive me for speaking of such an indelicate subject.) Anyway, after I begin singing I have to switch places with said cast member (*TANNER*) to the opposite side of the mannequin. Unfortunately, as I went to do our choreographed cross, I literally walked right into a repulsive cloud of gas. I have never experienced a stench quite like it in my life and in addition to my eyes beginning to water from the smell, I immediately fell into a fit of laughter that I was barely able to contain for the rest of the show. The most horrifying part is that he gave no indication whatsoever that I would be at risk of such a foul smelling odor, so all he could do was revel in my predicament once we switched places. At least I can say that it makes for an interesting (yet offensive) anecdote!

Thank you for reading, Jane (and gentle readers). I look forward to our next literary endeavor. 

Yours Faithfully,

Amanda