"Where the waters do agree, it is quite wonderful the relief they give."

February 9, 2015

Dear Jane,

You will soon find that truer (and more accurate) words were never spoken, but I will expatiate on my meaning shortly, dear friend. I write to you today from the comfort of my warm apartment, which is quite lucky for I was supposed to be performing "Miss Nelson is Missing" in the state of New Jersey this very morning. (It was called off due to severe weather, although the weather was truly not so severe that it had to be called off, in my humble opinion.) Nevertheless, I unexpectedly found myself having to venture out into the cold, icy weather after I awoke. Before I continue, I confess that the story I am about to tell is not one of propriety, but I feel confident that you will bear no ill will against me for sharing my humorous tale with you. 

I arose this morning like any other (although a little later than usual, thankfully) and was alerted by my roommate, Krystal, that our restroom was out of order due to a broken chain. This is where my story begins, Jane (and gentle readers!). 

Now, you may not know this about me, but I am very awkward around other humans, so the thought of knocking on my neighbor's door to request the use of their restroom caused me to become even more awkward. Fortunately (or rather, unfortunately), nobody answered (even though we heard them walking to and fro above us) and I was forced to venture out into the icy, rain and snow mixture occuring outside. Essentially, I could have contracted influenza just by trying to use the restroom this morning. 

Anyway, I exited my home and walked from establishment to establishment in this dreadful weather, only to remember that most shops in this wretched city do not even have public facilities for one to use. After I visited a Dunkin Donuts and a Subway to no avail, I ventured into a small diner near the train station. I saw the "Restroom for customers only" sign right when I walked in, so rather than beg, I just ordered a coffee so that I could be on my way to salvation. Inconveniently, I was forced to recall yet another fact about living in this God-forsaken city- almost every shop or eatery has at least a five dollar credit card minimum on purchases (even though this was not posted as it should be) and unluckily for my situation, I hardly ever carry bills with me anymore. Out of sheer principle, I refused to make my simple order come to five dollars so I left in a state of irritation leaving my much longed for coffee on the counter and my dignity barely in tact. 

At this time, I was both uncomfortable and extremely vexed. I phoned my dear sister, Rachael, for advice and comfort. She was of course of no help to me (how could she be?), so I rudely hung up on her. (My apologies, sister, for I was not myself at that moment.) I continued to walk in a state of despair and anguish thinking that I would have to take the train just to use the privy. This was not acceptable, obviously, so I made my way into a general store to inquire how one would go about fixing a john, and which parts would need to be purchased in order complete this task. I quickly left without speaking to anyone as I realized that this was truly no more of an option than paying five dollars to use a restroom. (In truth, even if I wanted to, I do not have the necessary skills to fix anything.)

Anyway, I am sure you would like me to conclude this captivating story before you celebrate your next birthday, Jane, so I will do my best to finish it in a timely manner...

 As I left the general store, I was feeling forlorn and without hope until I came to the corner of the lane that leads me home. Luckily, I tried once last bakery located on that corner called, "Red Ribbon." Upon looking in the window, I spotted it. The restroom I saw inside was like a beacon in the darkest of nights. Again, without even bothering to ask, I just bought a banana loaf cake that cost roughly three dollars (thankfully there was no credit card minimum here) and made my way to the magnificent room. I joyfully walked out of the store (with silent promises to return as an honorable patron as they truly saved my life) and began my journey home. Now, in addition to my well being and comfort, I also have a banana loaf cake to show for all of my troubles. Luckily for me, it is delicious and it was worth every penny.

The receipt.

If you are indeed shocked at the content of this letter, I must remind you that I cautioned you in the beginning that this subject is not one that genteel ladies, such as ourselves, would normally speak of. Knowing you, however, I was quite sure that you would find my story amusing, so I am not worried in the slightest of your taking offense to it. I sincerely hope it brightened your bleak, winter day as it did mine (now that my landlord has graciously remedied this delicate matter and I don't have to venture into the tundra just to use the john ever again.) 

Until next time, Jane!

Yours Faithfully,

Amanda